Any day now.

Dear little one,

I should say that we no longer refer to you as "Ducky." Little Ducky was the name that arose in our imaginations when we were imagining starting a family. We talked about someday having a little ducky. Once I was pregnant and as soon as we learned that you are a boy the name changed to little bear since your papa is known in these parts as "bear." Now, for the past three months we call you by the name we have chosen for you. So, just have as you have grown in proportion and have become a sizeable force in my belly - a true presence - so has your name become more real. Soon it will be emblazoned across a birth certificate, registered for all time during your stay here on earth.

On Saturday your father and I went to Bolinas for a picnic and day at the beach. It was an incredibly warm weekend here in the city. We were lucky to find a spot in the shade against the cliff - your mama doesn't do too well in the sun - freckles and sunburn love to come out. We watched families with their little ones and both of us acknowledged that this would be our last solo day trip. From here on out we will be a threesome!

Your mama is now quite huge and has been slowly moving around the house taking care of little projects here and there - a batch of pizza dough for the freezer, uploading photos and such. Sometimes she gets anxious about this labor that awaits both of us. It is hard to imagine such a physically and emotionally challenging event that can really begin at any time. To deliver you safely into this world is something I am honored to do. I will do my best to surrender to the process that can only be experienced in the body.

These past few weeks have been full of restless nights. I usually get up anywhere between 2 am and 5 am because I simply cannot sleep. I will turn on the computer and skim the New York Times, check facebook, and look over blogs that I like. I usually fix a snack as well because my stomach often feels hungry and unsettled. I then get back into bed by 6 am and sleep until 9:30 or so. This morning the sky was a pale pink and the foghorns were a blowin. Very peaceful. You bounced around in my tummy and I wondered how many mornings such as this I will have before you are out howling, eating, or sleeping.

We shall see.....

37 weeks!

Sorry it has taken me so long to write you. Quite a bit has happened since you were just 33 weeks. Your father and I drove to Mammoth for Easter weekend where we were able to meet Mason (your cousin) and spend time with your grandmother and aunties and uncle. It was a relaxing stay in the mountains. Karen and I took you and Mason snowshoeing. Mason slept and you bobbed along in your amniotic fluid unaware of snow crushing under mama's feet. The sun was out and it felt liberating to be out in the open. Soon enough little guy - you too will begin to experience the simple joys of the outdoors. The smells, the wind on your face, and the calm that comes with being away from the clamor of the city.
In Mammoth your relatives patted and admired the belly that you have made for me. They are all so excited to meet you.
So, my last day of work was on Friday. Who knows if I will be back. What I do know is how much our life will have changed by the time that decision is made. You will be smack dab in the center of that life changing everyone around you. Since then your father and I have been scrambling around to prepare for your "who knows when" arrival. Closets have been organized, errands, and today we picked up a used stroller for you. It was pretty funny to see daddy push the car seat and stroller down our city sidewalks. Today I also walked to Kaiser for our prenatal appointment. We are toying with the idea of walking to the hospital to give birth. It would make a good story, no?
Anyways, like this post, I am all over the place in terms of emotions. It hasn't quite hit me and instead I have been frantically checking things off our list of things to do before you arrive. How silly all of that will soon feel after the moment you take your first breath and our life with you truly begins. All that we can really give you is ourselves. Our attention, our love, and our commitment to giving you our all. To be present for you. To witness and record the beautiful life that is already yours. Soon!

33 weeks!

Hi there little guy. Or, should I say big guy? You now weigh close to 4 pounds! I think your quarters are getting a little cramped. When you move it feels like there is scarely any room left for you in there.
Your birth is starting to feel more imminent. Last week your father and I started our childbirth preparation classes. I am hoping to have the most natural birth that I can stand, painwise. I am planning to pull every trick out of the hat in terms of working naturally with pain. I think this will make your experience a nicer one. Although no one can predict how a labor will go. In the meantime, I will do everything I can to prepare mentally. I keep dreaming about the moment you will placed on my belly all slimy and already starting to wonder where you are. That will be quite the moment for your father and I. The miracle that is you will finally be revealed to us in the flesh!
Slowly but surely we are preparing our rather small two bedroom apartment for your arrival. Last week I found a glider for us to rock you with and this weekend we will buy the paint for your room - pale green and light blue for clouds.
Your mama continues to walk to and from work. One of my favorite parts of the walk is through Buena Vista Park - narrow pathways line a lushy, bushy, tree-filled park. It is the oldest park in the city- established in 1867! It was first known as Hill Park - which makes sense since it is on a hill overlooking much of the city (the best views are North). I love the views that this hike affords me early in the morning (okay, not so early. your mama has been leaving late for work at 9:00 am!) The other day I stopped for a hot chocolate to carry us through the rest of the walk home. Your father and I then watched our favorite show, the Daily Show with John Stewart (I bet you recognize his voice!) and ate calzones. Today we traded in a bunch of my books in exchange for some children's books for you. A timely swap!
Well little guy, keep on growing. And, know that you are already so loved.
Love,
Mama

31 weeks, Spring and you just around the corner

You are now 31 weeks old and your mama looks as pregnant as can be. She is finding it hard to believe that there are still 2 months to go! Starting at 30 weeks your mellow status, as perceived by your mom, has changed to one wiggly guy. Before this point I really had to concentrate to feel your movements. Now it feels as though the minute you are awake I can tell. You and my stomach move from side to side. The other night everytime I poked one side of my stomach you kicked back. There is often a kind of rolling sensation that comes with your movement (I believe because you have less room). The movement is less an isolated ping of a kick and more a rumbling all over movement kind of a feeling. I think you are not so much bumping into me now with your acrobatics as you are moving constantly against the walls of my uterus. You are most active in the mornings, and evenings (starting around 7:00pm) and continuing throughout the night.

This week I walked to work every day - and three of those days I walked home too. This has really helped your mama to feel more energetic. She is noticing so many beautiful things to look at on the way to work. Cherry blossoms, a huge platform hanging from an apartment ceiling with a large parrot perched in the center, a corner coffee store with $2.50 pints every night for happy hour - once you are born I plan to partake!, bright purple flowers, a park restoration project and the list goes on and on... I can't tell you how much this beats the bus with its faint smell of alcohol, urine, and cigarette smoke - people glumly bumping along from stop to stop.

There are signs of Spring on the way - our two bird friends outside our window are busy preparing their nest. I think they have made more headway than we have on your nursery. Although Spring is on its way, rain is still around. It should rain today. Your father and I are planning to go to the bookstore so your father can look at design books to help him prepare for a possible test with Apple. The sense of new beginnings is pretty strong around these parts. Your mama needs to start imagining her new beginnings too. As a mama for one, but also as she begins her process to seek out more fulfilling work. Who knows what she will be doing by the time you are old enough to understand what your parents do for a living...
We have been reading new stories to you at night - a Winnie the Pooh counting book, a Sandra Boynik (sp?) book, and have been playing new music for you. Your mama downloaded lots of children's songs for you from Apple Itunes - lullabies, silly songs, and more classical. Last night you kicked along to "Baby Belua." Well little guy, continue to grow, kick, stretch, and wiggle around! We can't wait for the day when you arrive into our world!
Love,
Mama

10 weeks to go!

Hi little bear,
Yesterday you turned 30 weeks old! Time is a' tickin'! There are many things we need to do to prepare for your arrival. Right now your nursery is your papa's office - full of computer equipment, camping gear, and all sorts of stuff! I have a blanket to sew for you still and we want to paint your nursery. In the meantime, I have been reading lots of books on babies and parenting. It will be interesting to see how all of this works out in practice. Unlike previous eras, the literature if not terribly dogmatic (although maybe it never seems that way at the time!). There is a lot of stress on respecting individual differences and on the recognition that parents need to do what is most comfortable for them. I can't wait to discover who you already are! If your kicks are any indication, you already seem to be a somewhat mellow baby. Many mothers to be describe their babies as little soccer players or boxers in their stomachs. Sometimes you have a burst of activity, but mostly your movements are pretty fluid and don't feel all that jerky. The placenta is on the front of my stomach - anterior placenta - which is thought to cushion a lot of the movement. That might explain part of it.
Lately your mama has been walking to work - a 40 minute walk, which has felt wonderful! I can't believe after 2 + years I have never tried this. I walk uphill past Buena Vista Park with a spectacular view of the city and then I descend down to the Castro on Duboce - past the hospital, park, and muni bus lines. The neighborhood is really charming and it is nice to be part of the world waking up and starting the day. Lots of people walking their dogs, pushing strollers, jogging, and drinking coffee. The other day I stopped in for a coffee at a cafe on the way to work. This sure beats the bus! I get to work with a nice glow and energy. Weather permitting, I am going to try and do this as much as I can. On Friday I walked home as well! A bit challenging with the hills, but oh so good for me (us).

Your father has been in Utah for his good friend Mauricio's bachlor party. Him and the boys treated themselves to a week of skiing in Utah (you will never have to worry about having a father that pushes work and responsibility to the exclusion of any fun and adventure - and I say this in the best possible way). After or during college when you tell us that you want to backpack around the world for a few years - your father especially will be cheering you on. Most likely he will even meet you along the way.

Lately your mama has felt more tired. It is tiring lugging around you and your home! My balance is also way off. After work I often head straight for the couch to read. Last weekend I spent most of Sunday reading the New York Times cover to cover. I am resting up for the adventure that will be you, soon!

28 weeks!

You are now 28 weeks. Your father and I are relaxing in Lake Tahoe at the moment. This morning we took a walk behind your grandparent’s cabin (you will know this place soon enough). We decided to forgo the snowshoes and paid a little bit for that decision by sinking uncomfortably in certain spots. There was a slight rain here and there as we walked. We talked about places we might be able to take you sledding. It is going to be so fun to introduce you to the mountains. You have many beautiful hikes to look forward to. When you turn one year old we are planning to “baptize” you in the calm waters of Lake Tahoe – to officially connect you in a spiritual way to the nature that we love so much. Hopefully the water will not be too cold for you thin, baby skin! We’ll go easy on you – maybe just dip your foot in and splash some water on your forehead.

After some delicious turkey burgers with all the fixings and some roasted purple potatoes (oh, and did I mention mint chip ice cream? your father and I have a weakness, especially lately for ice cream), we spent the remainder of the day reading and writing. I am reading a book about the crisis our planet is facing in terms of global warming. You will learn all about this soon enough. Your father, in particular, will be teaching lessons of conservation every day. And, you will start you life out on the right foot – with cloth diapers!

Your father and I are even considering writing a children’s book that describes how we use dinosaurs (as fossil fuels) to now fuel our cars.

Well, little guy, I think you have been enjoying our weekend in Tahoe. Your kicks are quite frequent – especially after mint chip ice cream (you will fit right into our family). Your mama has started to count your kicks every night to make sure you are still moving around in there. I am signing off now to do some yoga stretches that will help your mama when the time is ready to push you out into the world. She needs all the stretching she can get for this monumental task. Keep growing and don’t get any crazy ideas about coming out any sooner than you need to!
Love,
Mama

The final stretch - literally!

You recently turned 27 weeks old - a day that officially starts off the third trimester. Your movements are much more frequent now - sometimes they are large othertimes I just feel slight squirmy motions. I love them all. They remind me that you are alive and well and very much a sentient being. The other morning at 4:00 am when it was just you and I in bed I put our portable bose soundsystem on my belly and let you listen to some classical and opera music. I'll never know if you enjoy this or if it is too much for your just developing brain and nervous system, but you sure did kick away to the sound. It was a peaceful moment in the early morning before everyone woke up - just you and I in bed with music and motion. Lately I have been waking up in the middle of the night awake and alert. Sometimes I feel you awake too. It feels like just the two of us in that underwater feel of the deep quiet of late night. I can't say I mind this awakefullness at odd hours - although the next day I suffer from it. My days at work are starting to feel more and more tiring and ill fitting. I move around much slower these days as my belly is getting larger.
Last night we went to Paloma's birthday party. Paloma just turned two years old. She is the daughter of one of you mama's best friend from her highschool days. You will most likely develop a crush on her once the two of you reach that age. She has strawberry blond hair, hazel eyes, and the sweetest disposition. Your father and I watched all of the two year olds running around and thought about how our lives are soon to head in this direction. Afterwards we had dinner with your grandparents. They tried to squeeze your name out of us but we kept silent. They are very excited over you and most of the conversation centered on you. They will, most likely, be the first two people that you meet after your father and I. They live close by and will become an important part of your life. We loaded up your changing table in the car in a light rain and headed back over the wet and sparkly bridge to our home in San Francisco. Both your mama and papa were grateful to hit the sack. We cozied up and in the morning read the NY Times off of our laptops. Your mama spent a good portion of today leisurely thumbing through the New York Times very much aware that times like these will become hard fought when you and your needs are out in the world. What a change that will be!
Much love,
mama