Any day now.

Dear little one,

I should say that we no longer refer to you as "Ducky." Little Ducky was the name that arose in our imaginations when we were imagining starting a family. We talked about someday having a little ducky. Once I was pregnant and as soon as we learned that you are a boy the name changed to little bear since your papa is known in these parts as "bear." Now, for the past three months we call you by the name we have chosen for you. So, just have as you have grown in proportion and have become a sizeable force in my belly - a true presence - so has your name become more real. Soon it will be emblazoned across a birth certificate, registered for all time during your stay here on earth.

On Saturday your father and I went to Bolinas for a picnic and day at the beach. It was an incredibly warm weekend here in the city. We were lucky to find a spot in the shade against the cliff - your mama doesn't do too well in the sun - freckles and sunburn love to come out. We watched families with their little ones and both of us acknowledged that this would be our last solo day trip. From here on out we will be a threesome!

Your mama is now quite huge and has been slowly moving around the house taking care of little projects here and there - a batch of pizza dough for the freezer, uploading photos and such. Sometimes she gets anxious about this labor that awaits both of us. It is hard to imagine such a physically and emotionally challenging event that can really begin at any time. To deliver you safely into this world is something I am honored to do. I will do my best to surrender to the process that can only be experienced in the body.

These past few weeks have been full of restless nights. I usually get up anywhere between 2 am and 5 am because I simply cannot sleep. I will turn on the computer and skim the New York Times, check facebook, and look over blogs that I like. I usually fix a snack as well because my stomach often feels hungry and unsettled. I then get back into bed by 6 am and sleep until 9:30 or so. This morning the sky was a pale pink and the foghorns were a blowin. Very peaceful. You bounced around in my tummy and I wondered how many mornings such as this I will have before you are out howling, eating, or sleeping.

We shall see.....

37 weeks!

Sorry it has taken me so long to write you. Quite a bit has happened since you were just 33 weeks. Your father and I drove to Mammoth for Easter weekend where we were able to meet Mason (your cousin) and spend time with your grandmother and aunties and uncle. It was a relaxing stay in the mountains. Karen and I took you and Mason snowshoeing. Mason slept and you bobbed along in your amniotic fluid unaware of snow crushing under mama's feet. The sun was out and it felt liberating to be out in the open. Soon enough little guy - you too will begin to experience the simple joys of the outdoors. The smells, the wind on your face, and the calm that comes with being away from the clamor of the city.
In Mammoth your relatives patted and admired the belly that you have made for me. They are all so excited to meet you.
So, my last day of work was on Friday. Who knows if I will be back. What I do know is how much our life will have changed by the time that decision is made. You will be smack dab in the center of that life changing everyone around you. Since then your father and I have been scrambling around to prepare for your "who knows when" arrival. Closets have been organized, errands, and today we picked up a used stroller for you. It was pretty funny to see daddy push the car seat and stroller down our city sidewalks. Today I also walked to Kaiser for our prenatal appointment. We are toying with the idea of walking to the hospital to give birth. It would make a good story, no?
Anyways, like this post, I am all over the place in terms of emotions. It hasn't quite hit me and instead I have been frantically checking things off our list of things to do before you arrive. How silly all of that will soon feel after the moment you take your first breath and our life with you truly begins. All that we can really give you is ourselves. Our attention, our love, and our commitment to giving you our all. To be present for you. To witness and record the beautiful life that is already yours. Soon!