Hi little bear,

Your mama sure is getting big! She is starting to feel like she waddles just a bit when she walks. Your presence is quite visible in the world. For one, people on the bus have started to offer me their seat on the bus. Your mama rides the bus to and from work and also to and from prenatal yoga.   When you are born you too will experience the gritty San Francisco bus lines.  Lots of different types of folks on the bus - old, young, poor, rich, drunk, sober, and just plain defeated.  It is good though - to stay connected to the world and all its people.  Keeps you on your toes and aware of how others live.  

This weekend has been a relaxing one for your parents.  Last night at 9:30 we saw Happy Go Lucky at the Red Vic (our neighborhood theater).  Your papa enjoyed a bowl of popcorn while your mama tried to sit through a bad bout of heart burn - a lemon lime soda helped a bit.  Just before we left we both shared a homemade pizza.  Delicious, but not good for your mama to eat such a large amount in one sitting!  This was followed by chocolate chip mint cookies that your daddy made.  He is quite the baker that one - turning out new treats all of the time.  I think he gets it from your grandfather Kubischta.  He too loves to bake.   We'll have to get you in the kitchen too!  Trust me, it will pay off.  All of the girls will think it is the greatest thing in the world.  It doesn't take much for us women to be completely awed by you men folk.  

After walking through the damp, empty streets last night we curled up in bed.  Pretty soon the rain was falling hard.  Soon your father will be heading to the mountains for all of the new snow.  Your mama will be in Seattle visiting your auntie Jen and her two sons - Jordy and Caulder.  Caulder was most likely born the day you were conceived.  Pretty cool, huh?  We picture many family outings together - camping, Hawaii, and maybe some backpacking together. 

Today we took a walk along the beach at Fort Funston.  It was incredibly windy - the sand whipping our faces and getting into our teeth and eyes.  Still, though it was nice to get out in the elements.   We watched a model airplane zipping around.  I think you will be one of those lucky boys whose father will build these sorts of things for you and will take you out for the excitement of things flying through the air and the water.  With my shoe I spelled out your name in the sand.  Slowly but surely you are working your way into our lives.  We both love your name, by the way.  

Goodnight little guy.  

Love, 

Mama 

25 weeks

Hi there little bear, 

Lately your momma has been noticing you kick in regular patterns.  I actually look forward to going to bed each night so I can feel your kicks and turns.  I feel you most often in the evenings when I am in bed or in the early morning.  The past few days I have been getting up early for a bowl of cereal so that I can fall back asleep.  Maybe you are demanding an early breakfast each morning?  Are you voting with your feet?

I am also enjoying snuggling in the evenings with your father and you in between.  Often times your fathers back is against you and my tummy - we are like a family sandwich with you as the center.  I suppose this is how it is always going to feel - you in the center.  It is a cozy feeling.  

Today your momma went for a nice walk with Auntie Sarah, Bethany, and Emilie at Fort Funston.  The sun was out - just barely though.  The past few days have been rainy ones.  Today was mostly clear.   It was a beautiful day.  We talked and walked along the coast.   I came home to see your new (used) car seat that your father picked up for you.  A woman in Oakland whose son outgrew it sold it to us.  The colors are dark brown and light green - just like the forrest.   All or most of your baby things are going to be used.  A small gesture for the environment.   Tomorrow your mama is going to pick out some fabric to sew a blanket for your cradle.  It will be her first big project.  Your grandmother is refinishing an antique cradle that your mama slept in when she was a tiny one.   We are lovingly preparing for your arrival.   It won't be long before you are a day to day part of our existence.  We will have trouble remembering what it was like to not have you in our lives.  We cannot wait. 

Love, 

Mama 

Love and Family

Hi there little guy. Someday your momma will tell you all about the work she did while you were in her tummy. This might be hard for you to understand, but, there are lots of children - big and small - who are born into this world to parents who are not able to love and care for them. The culprit is usually drugs and alcohol - but it is even more complicated than that - add poverty, race, single parents, and high school education to the mix and it becomes a situation often maddingly difficult to fix. And, it is the children who suffer the most. It will take you many, many years of living to appreciate just how lucky your life already is. I don't expect or want you to understand anytime soon - your parents are simply giving back what they received from your grandparents. Of course we will mess up in all kinds of ways - but already we love you so much and have taken so much care to make sure you are okay in my tummy. You will be born into a world of love. It is breathtakingly simple and also breathtakingly profound. There are so many people already who love you and cannot wait to meet and hold you.
Tonight I spoke to your Auntie Karen and your Uncle Keith. They are already raising your soon to be little cousin, Mason Edward. He will be about six months older than you. Your not even born yet and you already have a little cousin awaiting your arrival! I am sure the two of you will be fast friends.
Your father is out for the evening listening to a speaker discuss his book on environmental movements in Bolivia. You will come to learn soon enough about how passionate your father is about the environment. We already have your cloth diapers! Your momma stayed in because she is very sleepy today. She was up very early so that she could drive a young girl to her court hearing. This little girl is sweet, shy, and funny and had the entire bottom ripped out of her childhood. Today over hamburgers she reminisced over patches of her childhood - memories of a certain park, etc - all spotty because most of early childhood was spent with an alcoholic mother. She now, after six years in foster care, will be moving in with her sister. There are silver linings everywhere. She asked about you - wondered how you were and is dying to know your name.
Well, little guy, until next time.
Love your sleepy momma.

19 weeks 5 days - the day we found out you are a boy!

Dear Bear- 24 weeks

Hi there little one.  Well, it has been almost a month now since we learned that you are a little boy.  At the ultrasound your father and I were so eager to learn this all important detail about you.  You were moving around quite a bit - pumping your legs, waving your hands, and then a glimpse - a boy!  I felt that much closer to you learning this.  Your father expressed that he feel a new sense of pressure in being a male role model to you.  I think it really struck him at this moment that he is going to be a father.  I am so excited for you to have him as your father.  He is sweet, gentle, a natural teacher, and loves adventures.  I know the two of you are going to have a wonderful father/son relationship.  As for as myself goes, I am very honored to have the opportunity to raise you.  I can't wait to experience the world through a little boy's eyes.  Brand new territory for your mama! 

Oh, and we have a name picked out for you.  Your dad chose it for you just before we learned that we were having a boy.  We think it is a special name and have called you that ever since.   Your mama chose your middle name - and the whole name flows off the tongue beautifully.  

What else has been going on outside your water filled home?

On January 20th Barack Obama, the first African American president and the first president in decades with a first rate mind, vision, and grace, was sworn in as our president.  I took the day off work and watched the festivities with your grandparents.  I even had a sip of champagne!  Did you feel the bubbles?  We were all teary eyed to behold millions of people touched to the core watching this history unfold.  The world is falling apart right now in so many ways - the economy is crumbling, the environment is under seige - but, the world came together in this important way and we will all never be the same.  I am so happy that you will enter this new world.  Some day you will come to appreciate the historical significance of a President that will most likely seem as natural to you as the blue sky.  What else?

Lately your father and I have been reading the "Little Prince" to you.  Each night we take a turn.  Also, I have tried to create symphonies for you outside your wall.   The earphones rest on my belly pumping in classical music - Shanghai quartet (a group from Duane's Summer in Connecticut) I wonder if you like this?  

Your mama took you to Yosemite with your Aunties - we snowshoed at Badger Pass.  We also had a special goodbye blessing for your Auntie Katie who is moving to North Carolina to be with the new love of her life.  On this trip she crocheted for you an organic washcloth.     Well, little guy it has been a treat to feel all of your kicks lately - they are getting more and more frequent.  I know people say that they start to hurt, but I can't imagine caring.  Each little bump and movement reminds me that you are alive and well.  That their is this new life inside of me growing by the day.  

18 weeks at Fallen Leaf Lake - Christmas

Christmas

Dear Ducky,

Your first Christmas was spent in Walnut Creek. The days leading up to it were very busy for your mama. I came home after work on Monday and did all of the grocery shopping for our feast. It was raining slightly that night and I pulled in the driveway next to our apartment so I could unload all of the goodies. That night I made a cream cheese, pesto, and sundried tomato pesto with the Cuisinart. The following night a cheesecake, and cranberry sauce was made. You were with me in the kitchen – we baked and listened to music. Your father greeted us on Tuesday night after skiing for three days in Mammoth with your grandmother and auntie Annika. He claimed to have skied one of the best runs of his life while there. He came in the door with a new sparkle in his eye and red, bristly cheeks. This will become a common sight for you over the years.



After making stuffing, packing, and picking up some wedding pictures along the way we landed in Walnut Creek. You aren’t even born yet but are already the star of the show! Everyone oooohed and ahhed over the home you have made in you mama’s tummy. It is a nice rounded home that sticks out over your mama’s jeans. You were in the company of your great grandmother, grandparents, and two soft kitty cats, Sophie and Elliot (Christmas gifts from years past).



After rubbing the turkey – your great grandmother calls all her turkeys Josephine – with olive oil and stuffing her with lemons and thyme, we sat in the living room listening to Christmas music. Your great grandmother read a book of essays on France and the rest of us simply soaked in the fire. We nibbled on sandwiches, bread and torta. Later in the day auntie Teresa and Doug came by with Alina. Alina gave you a favorite blanket of hers for Christmas – an extra soft blanket with a tiny lamb head in the center. It was soft soft and sweet that later in the evening your father wore it on his head to soothe his headache.



Later that day we enjoyed our feast of Turkey, cranberries, stuffing, roasted carrots, your great grandmother’s famous creamed corn, mashed potatoes, and gravy. Before digging in we expressed our gratitude for being together as a family and acknowledged all of the families split apart by the ongoing war in Iraq and the economic crisis that we are in. We toasted our new president elect, Barack Obama and also toasted you – the latest addition to our family.



A light rain fell that night and in the morning we opened up our stockings. Your mama will have to make one for you soon. Santa brought you some new pajamas and a kit so that we can capture your hand and footprints when you are born.



Right now you are in Lake Tahoe enjoying the warmth of the fire. Snow has blanketed everything and in a little while your father and I will take you out for a walk in the snow covered forest. We are looking forward to seeing you on Tuesday wiggling around in my tummy. Everyone is excited to learn if you are a boy or a girl – the first step in putting a face to the very wonderful mystery that you are.

Merry Christmas!