17 weeks

Dear Ducky,
Tomorrow you will be 17 weeks old. I believe you are close to five inches now. Your mama has been in bed for the past few days with a nasty stomach flu. Her mind raced to something she ate that she probably shouldn't have - bitty slices of prociutto ham on a salad. On Friday your father and I had dinner with an old friend that your mama used to pal around when she was seven, eight, nine, years old. Stace made a delicious salad with pomegranate seeds, cheese shavings, and some prociutto. Everyone thought it would be okay. I am sure it was okay, but your poor mama with her worried mind and sick tummy wondered for hours if she hadn't contracted listeria. She spent hours on the internt googling symptoms, etc. Today our doctor assured us that their was probably nothing to worry about it. And, your mama is already feeling better. I can't do this to us anymore. The worry is not good for me and it is not good for you - although I suspect that you are floating around in your own bubble pretty unaware. I would like to do things for us from this point forward that calms our waters even further. More long walks. I know that you liked the long, peaceful snowshoes in Mammoth where your grandma has a home. The crunch of the snow and the cool mountain air was just perfect. I also know that you like the ocean. The other day I took a walk along the crashing waves with three women that I work with. It was still sunny and many surfers were bobbing in the waves. Before our walk we sat around Helga's small kitchen table and talked about whether you might be a girl or a boy. Helga swears that she just knew she was having a boy. We looked at pictures of her son when he was three months old wrapped in a snowsuit and strapped on to her belly as she skied. Your father and I are already planning many outdoor adventures for you right away. We hope to take you camping this Summer with a family of seven! I picture you wrapped up and content to watch the trees swaying and the water lapping up against the shore. So, little one, mama promises to work on calming her worried mind for the two of us, actually for the three of us. Your father needs a strong mommy too. I promise more long walks and more yoga! We can't wait to get a peek at you in a few weeks.

Tomorrow I will be sixteen weeks along - four months!  It has been a strange journey so far --exciting, worrisome, hopeful, fearful, and overall wonderful.   I am starting to trust and feel your existence more.  Sometimes I even think I feel you move around.  It is still to early to really tell, but there have been a few flutters down there that make me wonder.   And, soon we will find out if you are a girl or a boy.  To be honest, I don't have any feeling either way.  Your father and I genuinely are only desiring that you are healthy and hearty.  Your sex does not matter to us.  You are who you are!  

It will take you many years for you to understand the importance of the year that you will be born in but it is a truly historic year.  2009 marks the first year of an administration headed by the first elected African American president.  Your father and I were so thrilled and moved by this historic election.  In fact, you were there in the voting booth with me floating unaware in your amniotic fluid.  Not only is this election significant for breaking a major racial barrier, it is also significant for the fact that your country has elected a leader who is extremely intelligent, articulate, wise, and generous.  He has re-ignited hope in a country who has been beaten down by the short sighted and cynical politics of the Bush administration.  I do believe that leaders such as Barack Obama only come around every hundred years or so.  We are truly blessed to have him at such a dire time.  Yes, little ducky, you are being born at a time of great unrest.   A hopeful time to be sure in terms of new social and policy changes but also very frightening in terms of the level of economic distress that has hit this country hard.  People are losing their homes and jobs left and right.   We are officially in a recession.  Our fat and naive consumer driven generation may, for the first time really, begin to experience scarcity.  Don't worry though.  Your father and I are resourceful people.  And, we have a lot of love for each other to help us get through anything.  We will be fine.  And, if anything we will learn creative ways to handle difficult times.  These skills will come in handy.  That's it for now little one.  Looking forward to a kick!   

The Weekend of Your Conception September 30, 2008

Dear Ducky, 

The weekend that you were undoubtedly conceived was a weekend full of busy and joyful preparation before your father and I were to be married the following weekend in Lake Tahoe.   It was a gloriously, and oh so rare, sunny weekend in San Francisco where we could actually keep the windows open.  We don't mind the flies that surely come in because it is just so wonderful to have fresh warm air circulating through the house.   That weekend was spent pulling together all of the projects that we had been working on for the wedding - family photos and family trees, homemade truffles, programs, and place cards.  Your father and I had by this point perfected the art of working together - maximizing our strengths and gently helping each other along.  Your father's computer was humming away all weekend as programs were designed and spit out.  Your mother was busy shopping for gourmet chocolate and putting together family trees.   She found a beautiful painting by your great grandmother Isabel on E-bay and felt that fate was telling her to bid on it.  She also found a New York Times article announcing the marriage of Isabel to your grandfather's father, Donald Neel.  The universe was definitely pulling together spirits of your family that weekend!  Maybe you also felt the pull and were drawn into this family that I do believe you chose.

 I should tell you that when your father and I were dreaming for you to come into existence I imagined all of our family and community embracing us and you at our wedding to invite your little spirit in.   Hands everywhere were outstretched.  

Well, back to the weekend.  

My favorite day of that weekend was on Monday.  The weather was balmy and I felt so at peace and so happy to be marrying your father.   Later in that day we both stood in the kitchen rolling home made mint and jasmine tea truffles in melted chocolate.   Your mother is always so content baking and the moment was all the more sweet since your father's hands were also covered in chocolate.   Later we made love and our life together already felt so good.  I believe today was the day you decided to jump into our family.   Nice timing little one.